The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
- If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
- When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
- Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
- If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
- Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
- Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
- Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
- Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
- Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
- Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
- Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER!
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS
