Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in thenext 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the livingroom" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough timeto brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.

Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM

...P.S. One more thing... you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Found at: Forward Steps

Snowman Stickup

Christmas Diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
• Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
• Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
• Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
• Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
• Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER!

STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS

School 1967 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

• 1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
• 2007 - School goes into lock down, the FBI is called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

• 1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
• 2007 - Police are called; SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

• 1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
• 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

• 1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
• 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

• 1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
• 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

• 1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.
• 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

• 1967 - Ants die.
• 2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

• 1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
• 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in a federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Mother Beetlejuice

I found this at John Cox's website, and thought it soooooooooo looked like how I felt this morning. I love his work, good stuff. Good artist. ;)

I like you only when you give me cookies...

Found this over at Silly SAHM. Oh, my...

Oh, I so needed a smile today. ;)

Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your, uh, "chest" is bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

"Borrowed" from: http://www.theromantic.com/humor/rejectionformletter.htm

Mom Clipart

I found the above image at iCLIPART, which offers an annual subscription for only $29! Ideally, I'd like to CREATE illustrations like this. If you work with websites, this site is a great resource for graphics. When you go to the site, search "mother", and you'll find many, many illustrations.

Microsoft clipart is available online, too, for free. ;)

Job Opening: Parent

POSITION :

• Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
• Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

• Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
• Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
• Travel expenses not reimbursed.
• Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

• The rest of your life.
• Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. (or more due to inflation).
• Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
• Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
• Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
• Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment thenext.
• Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
• Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

• None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

• None required unfortunately.
• On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

• Get this! You pay them!
• Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
• A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
• When you die, you give them whatever is left.
• The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

• While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

** AND A FOOTNOTE: "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT --EVER!!!

(Thank you, Marie, for forwarding this to me! So, do we ever get FIRED for doing a "bad job"?)

Okay, totally motivating site...

I've stopped by Rocks in My Dryer MANY times in the past, glad to have found it again. ;)

So you want to be a parent?????

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are some simple tasks for expectant parents to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

ONE

Women: To prepare for maternity,

• Put on a dressing gown and stick a pillowcase filled with beans down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After nine months, take out 10 percent of the beans.
• Drink a gallon of water. Do not go to the bathroom for 24 hours, or Go to the bathroom every 3­5 minutes with no regard to the "amount" you have deposited. Either way you will get a good sense of what "bloatation" is like.
  

Men: To prepare for paternity,

• Go to the local drugstore, Tip the contents of your wallet on the counter - Tell the pharmacist to help himself.
• Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
• Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
  

TWO

Before you have children, find a couple who already is a parent and berate them about their:

Methods of discipline

• Lack of patience
• Appallingly low tolerance levels
• Allowing their children to run wild.
  

Suggest ways in which they might improve:

• Their child's sleeping habits
• Toilet training
• Table manners and,
• Overall behavior.

Enjoy it, ­­it will be the last time in you life that you will have all the answers.

THREE

To discover how the nights will feel...

• Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8­12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
• At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
• Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
• Set the alarm for 3AM.
• As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
• Go to bed at 2:45AM.
• Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
• Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
• Put the alarm on for 5AM.
• Get up. Make breakfast.Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
  

FOUR

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

• Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
• Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
• Stick your fingers in the flower bed,
• Then, rub them on the clean walls.
• Cover the stains with crayons.

How does that look?

FIVE

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

• Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
• Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this ­­all morning.

SIX

Think "creative".

• Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
• Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
• Last take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Congratulations!! You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

SEVEN

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

• Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
• Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
• Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
• Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

There. Perfect.

EIGHT

Get ready to go out.

• Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
• Go out the front door.
• Come in again.
• Go out.
• Come back in.
• Go out again.
• Walk down the front path
• Walk back up it.
• Walk down it again.
• Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
• Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
• Retrace your steps.
• Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
• Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

NINE

Repeat everything at least, if not more, five times.

TEN

Grocery shopping.

• Go to the local supermarket.
• Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child...a full­grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
• Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

ELEVEN

Feeding.

• Hollow out a melon.
• Make a small hole in the side.
• Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
• Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
• Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
• Tip half into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a 12­ month ­old baby.

TWELVE

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

THIRTEEN

Uh, cleaning up the "doo doo".

• Move to the tropics.
• Find or make a compost pile.
• Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it.

Do this 3­5 times a day for two years.

FOURTEEN

Transportation meditation.

• Make a recording of Fran Fine (The Nanny) saying "Mommy" repeatedly.
• Important... No more than a four second delay between each "mommy" and occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
• Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with an toddler.

FIFTEEN

Effective Communication.

• Start talking to an adult of your choice.
• Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the tape made from Fourteen above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

SIXTEEN

Work skills.

• Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting.
• Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it.
• Stir.
• Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture.
• Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
• Do NOT change. You have no time.
• Go directly to work.

Ahhh the joys of parenthood!

SEVENTEEN

Go for a ride, but first...

• Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
• Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
• Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
• While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.For the really adventurous...
• Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

When you find yourself singing "I Love You, You Love Me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

The Next Survivor Show

(They don't have the balls for this one, IMHO.)

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: there is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off based on performance.The winner gets to go back to his job.

A Prayer for Moms and Dads

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,

or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know--I must have lost them long ago!

The Night Before Christmas for Moms

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat.
"The mother's twin (somehow part of this line got deleted by mistake)
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

"She'll cook, she'll dust, " she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and the Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!"
I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night through!"

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared...and I 'm wet.
"The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."

The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever. " I really love you.
"The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."

The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal.
"That's my child's love, she's trying to steal.
"Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
"Only one loving mother, is needed here."

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, " for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time.
"With the clone by his side Santa said, "Good night.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."

I've found these last few at Denny's Poems.

Love in the Home

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in its place,but have not love, I am a housekeeper - not a homemaker.

If I have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements, buthave not love, my children learn cleanliness - not godliness.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh. Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

Love is present through the trials.
Love reprimands, reproves, and is responsive.

Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, runs with the child, then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Love is the key that opens salvation's message to a child's heart.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection. Now I glory in God's perfection of my child. As a mother, there is much Imust teach my child, but the greatest of all is love.

The Mothers' Psalm

The Lord is my co-pilot, I shall not rush.
He maketh me to hit all the green traffic lights.
He leadeth me through shopping hassles.
He restoreth my composure.
He giveth me strength to make ends meet for my family's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of laundry, I will fear no evil,
for Thou art with me.
Thy perspective and sense of humor, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me with the assistance of takeout.
Surely clutter and confusion shall follow me most of the days of my life,
but I shall dwell in a happy home forever.
Amen.

Cleaning Poem

Sad, but sooooooo true:

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.

He asked if I'd been "putering",

And I had to answer "yes."

I wiped and shined the topside.

That really did the trick...

I was just admiring my work...

I didn't mean to "click."

But click I did, and oops I found

A real absorbing site

That I got SO way into...

I was into it all night.

Nothing's changed except my mouse

It's very, very shiny.

I guess my house will stay a mess...

While I sit here on my hiney.

Where are the Cool Mommys?

I just randomly tried to search for other moms, maybe motivated moms. Did this by typing in:

http://www.(fillintheblank).blogpsot.com/

I "filled in the blank" with: motivatedmommy, coolmommy, supermom, and a few others. WHERE ARE THESE MOMS? Aren't they posting? Aren't they cool or motivated anymore? If not, WHY NOT? Me, either, and that's the problem.

I tried Lazy Mom. Let's just say she's a wee bit lazier than me. Tired Mom must be more tired, ha ha! And Organized Mom was SO organized, she hit a bit of a minimalist note.

I'm a bit curious to know what happened with Crazy Mom.

Still searching for Motivated Mothers, and hoping their coolness could rub off on me. ;)

I am looking for motivation.

I am a tired, worn out mommy, overtaken by the blahs. I am going to use this blog as a way to document my search for Mommy Motivation. I need it, motivation that is.