Prettiest Mom

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunization.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests, or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never got up in the middle of the night every 10 minute s to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

Thank you to my friend for sending me this via email. ;)

Keep Looking

Crying for an Ugly Bird

A bird came to eat from the feeder. An ugly sort of pretty bird, it was too large to eat where the tiny finches did. Still, it seemed content to eat from the trough where the finches’ wasted feed was scattered.

I stared at it. It was actually striking. A beautiful beak, its long tail (longer than most I’ve ever seen) was a colorful autumn red. And when it opened its mouth, the prettiest call I’ve ever heard came forth.

It was its feathered coat which made it ugly. It was tattered and unkempt.

I caught myself attributing human thoughts to this feathered mess . . . “doesn’t it care what it looks like?,” “doesn’t it know it could be pretty if it just tried a little harder?,” “didn’t its mother teach it to care for itself?"

Perhaps, I thought, it had been caught in a storm. Perhaps it was just in a battle for its life against a larger bird. Perhaps it was starved and thirsty.

Perhaps that’s why it is ugly, I ventured.

Then, out of the blue, I started to cry; honest to goodness, I cried for an ugly bird.

We stumbled across people just like that bird every day. We look away in disgust, or we stare and shake our heads, but mostly we ignore them.

We ignore the ugly people because, like the finches, we take so much for granted. We trust that we’ll always have food provided for us with very little effort on our own. Though we may not be beautiful, we trust we are pretty enough to be pleasant. We’re confident our clothes, bought at a store, laundered in a machine, are presentable.

Like the striking yellow and black finch, we fly through a life of relative ease and contentment. We are attracted to fellow finches and repulsed by those who look different.

A couple of “ugly people” were at a recent ball game, and the “finches” around acted true to their call. They pointed; they laughed; they shook their heads; they looked away.

Then, they ignored them.

They were unkempt, but they were not blind. They were dirty, but they were not deaf. They have feelings and dreams and desires.

Yes, they were “ugly” in the sense of how “finches” describe beauty, but given a chance, I trust there’s a beautiful bird underneath.

Given a chance, they could soar as high as the finches.

The above was found at: http://likemylife.homestead.com/articlearchives.html

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in thenext 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the livingroom" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough timeto brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.

Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM

...P.S. One more thing... you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Found at: Forward Steps

Snowman Stickup

Christmas Diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

• If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
• Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
• Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
• Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
• Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
• Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER!

STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS

School 1967 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

• 1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
• 2007 - School goes into lock down, the FBI is called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

• 1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
• 2007 - Police are called; SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

• 1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
• 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

• 1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
• 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

• 1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
• 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

• 1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.
• 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

• 1967 - Ants die.
• 2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

• 1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
• 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in a federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.